Lessons learnt/re-learnt for today- #34 (A profound insight about who we are, who I am and finding meaning in life)

I want to tackle the immortal question of “Who I am?” before lunch and perhaps stumble across frantically in the process.

Just a few minutes back I exited a meeting in my office with a new insight. Of late I had been battling certain perceptions and demons within myself most of which I have recorded in my posts and the life lessons series here. I entered the meeting room with my thoughts still swimming in my head. As the only male in the room, I couldn’t participate in the conversation; the ladies including my ex were busy discussing dresses and my boss’s new nail polish. They all glanced at me momentarily before resuming their conversation unbothered about my presence. Right now, their conversation mattered first to them, then the task at hand for today and afterwards their lives in that order.

And then it hit me.

They don’t know who I am.

They don’t know what’s swimming in my head. The little things that make me happy, the sorrows and pain I carry in my heart daily.

They don’t know who I really am.

To them, I am what they think I am, not who I really am. Each person in that room all have various perceptions about me; from my colleagues to my ex to my boss present in the room. Each perception is different from the rest. I know what I am now, but I don’t know what they think I am. I am however sure that each one of them has diametrically opposing views about who they think I am and judging by the nature of my relationship with every one of them if there is a common thread between all their perceptions it would be very faint and vague.

I am not who I think I am either. I evolve as a person each day. I find it hard to relate to the person I was a few years ago. Reading the dumb posts, I made in the past, I sometimes judge myself. And then those occurrences became more frequent and the time frame grew shorter. To the point where I would go “You thought that yesterday? You really are dumb.” I had that thought today morning itself over some posts and comments I had made earlier. This leaves me with two plausible answers;

a)      I really am dumb as a bag of rocks.

OR

b)     There is no real me.

I do not exist both in the near future or the recent past. I am who I am at this very second. I am not who I was a second ago, I am still not that person I will be a few seconds later and when I reach there, I will not be the person I was a few seconds back.

There is but a mere idea of me that just exists in my mind based on my environment, surroundings, thoughts, teachings, perceptions etc. People have an idea of me in their heads but it not the real me AND it is not the complete me either. There is no such thing as a complete ‘me’ because it is hard to capture who I am at this very second; I am continually evolving as I am a life form and that’s what life does. It evolves. It gets better. If it stagnates, it rots and dies, making way for the new. (I cannot wait to turn forty and judge these posts.)

Which leads me to another profound realisation; I do not miss someone or pine for someone the way I thought I did all this while. I did not miss my ex; I missed an idea of her…MY idea. I did not miss my father; I missed an idea of him….MY idea. My father, my ex, my grandfather, my uncle, my best friend…. people I missed daily both dead and alive; I had converted them into symbols…an idea of what it was supposed to be or could be and I missed that idea instead of the actual them. And what is an actual them anyway? I do not know who they really are, or do they know who I really am as a person. We are all trying to survive each day and make each day count in our ways, through the ways we know-how. In short, we are all half-assing it….we are mostly clueless about a lot of things including each other and all that haunt us, plague us, torment us, make us stuck in the past are all but mere symbols and ideas that are illusionary, that exist in our heads but not in the real world. And I don’t think anyone really has any clue as to what is actually really going on. They say only God knows the true big picture because he sees all. Maybe he does, maybe we are comforting ourselves about our ignorance because human growth and development, especially in an emotional and spiritual sense, have a glass ceiling. We can see and comprehend our potential to a certain extent, but we can’t fully reach it due to the various ways we are limited. Human beings are truly limited and, in a way, trapped in our minds and bodies; the glass can contain only so much water.

In the olden days, they build massive structures to reach the heavens and achieve our true potential and understand ourselves as a race at least if not our actual selves. The tower of babel for instance. In this day and age where we as a society we feel more trapped and helpless than ever before. Is it any wonder that the superhero genre has thrived so well and continues to do so now? Stories of ordinary beings who in an instant reached their ultimate potential of who they could be and who they really are? Bruce Banner, Captain America, Spider-Man…radiation, serum and spider-bite respectively. We see our potential through the glass ceiling, but it is distorted and warped. So, we imagine our potential as to what it really could be through our limited means; the idea that we use 10% of the brain, unlocking a hidden gene that unleashes hidden strengths and capabilities etc…fiction!

And yet… all I need to do to kill you is to pick you up and drop you from a height of fifty or so feet on any surface on this planet and you will die a painful death. We are so warped in our potential and what we could be that we think we have attained or are close to attaining a god-like status. Immortal. Nothing can harm us, nothing can stop us! And we live this way, live recklessly, treat each other disrespectfully, treat ourselves unkindly till nature advertently or inadvertently reminds you that you are but a mere mortal and nothing else; one among many…one among 130 BILLION people that have existed on this planet so far.

You are born to die and your story will eventually be forgotten, you as a person, as a memory will cease to exist and life will still go on with our without you no matter what for thousands and thousands of years till our sun turns red, eats our planet, collapses within itself like a black hole, the universe will begin to contract and soon we are back to square one, we are back to nothing and nothing ever really mattered. We are on a mortal plane that is so shaky and incredibly temporary.

So who. are. you?

You are no one. And this should make you happy. This should soothe you because this is really a comforting thought. Facing your mortality, your limitations and your weaknesses will help you ensure you don’t squander your life. you will not cling to the past, you will not cling to ideas of the self or people. It is a chance to profoundly reinvent yourself and give yourself the permission to really be who you are, can and want to be.

You realise that like yourself others too are on their own paths and their own journey. So, you will respect that. And let go of them when it is time and go about on your journey. That is truly forgiving and moving forward.

You will have more respect for yourself and the people around you. I sincerely believe that all the knowledge, advice and insights you need to lead a truly good life already exists on this planet and has for many years. It’s just that the knowledge is communicated in different forms and spread across the world. You just got to know where to seek it and deep down you know where to truly find your bliss.

As a mere mortal unshackled and free to roam the earth till your time comes, what can you do? Grapple with the thought of who you are? NO…you cannot pinpoint to a single instance and say; “yes this is who I am and who I will be and always shall be. This is how people will always remember me and it is a constant till the end of time.”

Nope. Don’t waste your time.

Take time for yourself. Be patient with yourself. Understand who you are as an individual, as a mortal being on this planet. There is a difference between understanding yourself and knowing fully well for sure that yes, this is who I REALLY am.

As you learn about yourself, seek a community. A tribe. We are social animals, it’s in our coding; we just can’t escape this. Live with it. It’s good for you. Later find a person who will help you live together in this material world. You as a person need a sense of belonging and it leads to a sense of purpose….

A sense of purpose. Finding a role that’ll help you attain a sense of identity. It is so lacking in this world, I am sure my great-great-grandfather never had this issue. If he could talk to me this is what he’d tell me;

“I am a farmer. Farming is in my blood. I know who I am, I take care of my family. My village is my tribe and in time I will be an elder among many leading my tribe. This is uncomplicated. What are you worrying so much? What is this stress that you speak of and why does it exist?”

And why are we letting it exist? Carlin once spoke about how life is not complicated; you eat, you shit, you watch tv, you go to work; it is not complicated!!

Trying to understand who you are as a person and giving yourself that label is an equivalent to you streaking around in circles screaming like a headless chicken. Somewhere God is amused, chuckling at his creations.

“Hehe…silly humans….”

Spinning the same point again in a different manner; my cat knows it is a cat. It knows what it likes and dislikes and is very vocal about it. It doesn’t try to fly like a bird because it knows it is not a bird. My cat is a cat. She is aware. She HUNTS birds instead and when there is nothing to do, she stays in the moment…. blinking…blank…but highly aware of itself and its surroundings. Survival mode is on. When she feels safe, she naps. If I disturb her, she will meow in displeasure and go back to bed.

Life is simple for my cat. My cat doesn’t meander around asking inane questions like “who I am?”; one among many questions that I and countless others before me have asked around for millennia. We are the only species perhaps who complicate our lives and drive ourselves easy. And I know I am not the first to answer this question; others before me would have put it across in a much more eloquent manner.

So, what’s left now for me to do?

Nothing.

I’ll go have lunch. Perhaps ponder about a tree’s perspective on life. Keep myself occupied within limits. A mind is a dangerous tool; you must always maintain balance and not tip the scales on either side. 

To peace and kindness,

Love,

The Random Bangalorean