Thoughts on Loneliness, Depression, Suicidal Ideations and being part of LGBTQ

I read a quote by a popular Indian mystic early morning when I woke up today. I wont name him, but he basically elaborated that a person’s one true soulmate is not anyone but our body. I dwelled on the quote all day…part of me agreed with it. Part of me thought it was bullshit.

I’ve struggled with depression and loneliness my whole life. I’ve had suicidal ideations since I was a kid after I was bullied by my classmates, teachers and principal. Sometimes even to this day I wish my parents would pass away in a peaceful manner so that I could take the drastic step after they were gone; my logic is that I don’t want them to cradle the body of their only son, I don’t want to put them through that grief.

Sometimes…most times however I want to raise a middle finger to life and brave it through…lead a full life and die a natural death just out of spite so that I could show life that I didn’t let it get to me.

Lately it’s been hard…

I have been attending interviews after interviews trying to shift my job and escape my ex who works with me. Being where I currently work isn’t helping my process of healing; I am constantly reminded of the emotional abuse inflicted on me each day when I see her, I am constantly hurt when I see the rock on her finger she managed to get around the same time I had saved up to buy a ring to propose to her, I am constantly reminded of the toxic nature of our relationship each day as I pick up the broken pieces and try to move on while she sits there content and happy, basking in the love showered by the new fiancé.

I am reminded of the hurtful things she told me on purpose, the names she called…

When our colleagues, friends, her own parents…. and the world tells you that you are better off and that she never deserved you…it helps to a certain extent. But love was love and I just happened to fall for the wrong person…

I also happened to confide in the same wrong person a few years back that I was bisexual, but it was okay because I loved her and wouldn’t want any other person in my life. At the time she didn’t say anything, tried to be okay with it and a year later tried to pin the breakup on me. She told me that she was mean to me and mistreated me on purpose so that I would break up with her…. for a whole year after our engagement fell apart and I had asked her father for her hand in marriage. She also blamed our zodiac compatibility (??) but then I found out through friends that she called me a lesser man…not a real man because I was bisexual. And now she had found a real man who she is engaged to… he was straight.

And my heart broke into a million scattered pieces because I had chosen to trust that person and even after things fell apart, I didn’t imagine my trust to be maligned in that manner. There was misunderstanding about us in the community and in general as well; I am aware of this as well but I did not expect that level of callousness from someone I thought I knew. And I knew it was not out of spite but about a lack of empathy and understanding, about not being able to place yourself in the other person’s shoes. Sometimes we really make an active choice to not be there for our fellow man or woman, regardless of who you are. Perhaps this is our innate and true nature?

As the months went by, I grappled with loneliness and depression all over again. I went back to junk food, stopped exercising for a while and then resumed while picking up the pieces. Slowly I began to make changes in my life after a while, got into creative writing, theatre, practised self-love and care, started this blog…made new friends… tried to create a new life for myself all over again while learning to trust the right people and let only the good ones inside….

Met a fellow bisexual person, a woman I had a crush on but hadn’t confided to her yet. We both agreed that the label was ridiculous and preferred to just be considered as fluid without putting ourselves in any category. I marvelled at her tenacity and bravery because in terms of self confidence and assurance, she was where I wanted to be. I was still grappling with issues of self-esteem, identity and positive body image which had all been shattered after my breakup.

I’m picking up the pieces… I’m trying to be strong…

But it’s hard…

Today I attended an interview that lasted a whole day. I also had to go back home and work a full day because I couldn’t take a holiday. I also didn’t have my lunch due to the interview which went badly as during a test round I was expected to deliver…but was not told what and how, just that it had to be creative and they would know when they saw it that this is what they wanted. Faced with this mountainous expectation, I sat down to work. They didn’t like my first draft…I began to churn out the second one…

And then I looked around the tiny office I was in as the hunger hit me. My depression and loneliness hit me again. I realised all over again why I was doing all of this; so that I could run away from my office…from her…

And then I broke down.

I wanted to close my laptop and walk away; the job be damned.

And I got angry at life. I told it that I would not let this ruin me; if working with my ex…my previous love was how it was supposed to be then so be it.

I will continue to be strong and brave, I would still be grateful…for all I knew, perhaps I was meant to continue staying in my present job for a reason…

I still have my parents. I am building a new home, I have a cat; three things, three reasons for me to live. Until they are there, I still had a reason to breathe. To live. Ideations be damned.

It is hard…it is really hard…. I have no idea how long I can continue doing this…

My family lived like paupers the first ten years of my life. My mom was hospitalized for a year…I broke sixteen bones at once and I was hospitalised for five months…

I have had my trust broken by who I thought was the love of my life…

And yet…AND YET…I still maintain that after all of this and more; loneliness and depression are the two biggest challenges I have ever faced in my life….

I keep going back to my late grandfathers’ advice who once told me to be as strong as a tree and grow…grow till I fed and sheltered the world with my shade.

He told me to now worry about my life’s obstacles as they were meant for me to overcome which as been echoed by my whole family since then. I know that I am meant to overcome these two feelings…these hurdles eventually but for now I don’t know how. I just…don’t see the way…

And I must keep reminding myself that its not just about being strong…its about being patient as well. It’s about perseverance, it’s about commitment; to love, life and family. To god. To yourself. To the universe.

But being patient is incredibly challenging and most importantly…taxing. Buts the only choice I have and so for now I must keep breathing…and I must keep swimming.

Currently my head is above the water for now… I hope I find a way out of this and also find out who I am and what’s my purpose at the same time…

Something’s got to keep me alive long after what I have now will be gone…