“N-now th-that that don’t kill me
Can only make me stronger” – Kanye
Stronger” – Daft Punk
The reason I don’t kill myself is because I want to show life and to myself that I didn’t give up no matter how bad it got at certain times.
My first suicidal thought was when I was a kid still in single digits. I was humiliated in the classroom where the whole class, friends, foes and even the teacher pointed and laughed at me because I let them. At that moment I badly wanted to run outside before they could comprehend what was going on and throw myself off the parapet.
Later I thought about tying my mother’s dupattas together and hanging myself. Both times I didn’t follow through it. I fear pain more than death and prefer a quick and painless death as much as possible. Thank god I didn’t have access to harmful drugs or a gun. My main reason, however, was my parents; I was painfully aware of the struggles they were going through in life at that time even though they were unaware that I knew. The last thing I wanted to do was kill myself and, in the process, break them, their hearts, mind and soul. It would shatter them, and they would never be able to recover from it; I didn’t want to do that to them.
As the years went by, I managed to cope through it all even after my first real heartbreak, betrayal of friends, loss, pain, certain experiences that transpired and so on. And now?
Now I’m just hardened and pissed. Life is but suffering and the wise thing to do is to first understand this and then transcend the suffering like a hero found in literature classics. Obstacles are but opportunities. Hardships are but experiences tempering and forging you in a hot fire. Shine, get stronger, get better.
I fear a lot of things mainly the mind and life. Life in particular because if not careful it can damage your mind, or let it go astray or just wreck you, your body and spirits in general. So, I am not going to fight life, I’ll learn to live it instead and wisely that too.
In the end the vast majority of the things you are surrounded by, people included are all full of shit. Looking at myself and the world around me outside of myself, it’s all relatively quiet and peaceful. Looking beyond yourself shows the true state of the earth and the things around you. It’s only we humans who managed to colossally fuck it up over the years and the constantly battle a lot of things including ourselves in our minds.
So, I try to calm my mind and take it easy. Quieten the things around me. Try to be patient and bear it through because I know in this phase of my life, I am currently being tempered…
And if I’m being really honest, I want to see how it all ends and what I learnt in the process when my time comes. How did I really improve myself and let my life and its chapters be written? What significant things did I do with myself and my life? Is my life a good book? How does it end and what will it be called?
Things I certainly won’t get answers to if I get stoned, drunk, while away time or better yet…just kill myself.
Curiosity. I guess it’s the curiosity to see how things transpire in the end that makes me not want to kill myself.
Because if I knew how the book ended, well then…I’m done with the book. Let’s just get this through and see what’s next.