Dear Lord, God…the universe. I’m fed up. Go to hell.

Dear Lord,

This might pretty much be an exercise in futility like how a kid writes letters to Santa during Christmas.

This might be counterproductive as well as I don’t expect anyone to read this either. I have no expectations from this letter, I am not exactly seeking a response by writing this from you or anyone.

And I will certainly not blame you for my naivety either.

It’s just…I am disappointed. I thought I knew better. I thought the world was a lot fairer. A lot more colourful. I thought we all had a chance to lead a meaningful and happy life.

I was so fucking naive and stupid.

I didn’t know life was going to be this way (Three claps)

I didn’t know how selfish and materialistic some people can get. I didn’t know that some people can base a foundation of marriage…a lasting and binding promise on someone else’s misery and unhappiness.

I know for sure that people have had it worse than me in life. What I’m going through may not be the most painful thing ever but it is to me so far. And it fucking hurts. And I am disappointed because I didn’t think things would happen this way. It shouldn’t have ended this way but it did

She got engaged finally to a dude who looks like me and resembles me but is a 2.0 version of me. Apparently. After the years of abuse, lying, cheating and sneaking behind my back. After all that she put me through all these years….she’s the one who gets her happy ending first. After all the misery that she put me through that she is all too well aware about ….this is how it ends.

I think I am supposed to be okay with this so I will be. I think I am expected to swallow this so I will do so.

I am not angry…not completely. I am not hurt…not completely. Just…disappointed. In you, the world, people and its state of affairs.

Not saying I don’t believe in you after just one tragedy…just expressing my disappointment and anger pretty much the same way a mom would when her son runs in the grocery aisles, opens all the boxes and spills milk on the floor. All you can do is just shake your head sideways and facepalm.

Sigh…

Life could have been much better than this, people could have been much better than this but she, her friends and her parents…her goddamn stupid parents….proved me wrong by finding a poor sod and getting her engaged to him. He has no idea what a heavy anchor he has been tied to and I feel bad and sorry for you, brother. Dear brother, if you knew the things she said and did and why she broke up with me before getting immediately engaged to you. You poor soul….

I blame myself and only myself for my own naivety.

And I tried. I really did. I tried to move on. Diet. Weed. Exercise. Tried to drink my sorrows even when I didn’t like it. Got wine to work as well. (Pathetic) Went on a solo trip. Tried to meet people. Failed. Gratitude journals. Fucking gratitude journals, man! Tried to make meaningful connections…failed…had a random hookup…failed. It didn’t help. But I tried to do all in my power to forget her and move on…and every day when i made a teeny bit of progress it would be taken away from me in an instant.

Because I work with my ex. I recommended her to my place of work when we were engaged. She is my colleague now and engaged to a man who looks like me. Six years of us and it never mattered. She moved on effortlessly and my feelings for her…eh, no one cares but me. No one cares that I am hurt but me.

So be it. If this is how it’s going to be, so be it.

I just wanted to write…to this empty vacuum of space…. that…I give up. Officially. I have zero expectations from life and no hope.

I don’t give a crap anymore. I am done.

I don’t know if you exist….LORD…and I know I am meant to not have answers to any of this ….why this happened to me, why people see the goodness in me, use me and throw me away like a used tissue time and time and time again and again. I dont know if I am meant to know the answers to any of this….if not now or ever.

I am not special. There is no fairy tale ending. Nothing is fair. People are shit. This is how it is…grow up and get going – I think i am begining to realise that now…

So I’ll do that. I have an improv class this week while my ex will spend time gallivanting with her fiancé on a trail road of my tears. Yeah, so be it.

Shit happens. Pick up, grow up and move on. I’ll do that.

But just know this….just know this oh empty void….

I am very very disappointed. Things could have been better. We all could have been better than this but tens of thousands of years later we have made no progress and continue to be selfish and miserable picks…it will continue this way long after I am gone as well.

It’s just…sad…and I wish I knew the endgame of all of this. I do, I wish there were some purpose and meaning behind all of this…

Ah well.

I don’t give a shit.

You and everyone can all go to hell. I don’t give a crap anymore.

I am officially numb to everything. I don’t care if things get better and I am not going to have any hopes about it anymore.

Just…I don’t care. I am tired of caring and I give up now. Here’s my resignation. And there ends my goddamn pathetic rant.

Goddamnit.

Sincerely,

A random speck in the universe.